My American Life

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My mind seems to keep me pretty busy. I think a lot about all the things I have to do and all the things I want to do. Sometimes I wish it was all done and I didn’t have to think about it anymore. It’d certainly be easier if I didn’t have to go through the journey and just find myself at the destination. Like I had been in a dream and I suddenly wake up in the life I imagined myself a decade ago. When I was a kid, I had a basic structure of what my life was supposed to be like by now. I’ve miserly failed to achieve it. If my teenage self were around today, he’d be royally pissed and justifiably so.

Unfortunately for him, he’s not around anymore. It’s just me, the relativity adult version. If my teen self was here, I’d tell him to suck it up, deal with the disappointment. Life doesn’t usually work out as planned, at least based on my experience. How can you really plan out your future while expecting your plan to come to fruition? Really, all you can do is make a plan and hope nothing derails it. The plan has to be malleable and adaptable. I think people tend to have expectations on what their future will be, even if  it is be unrealistic. Basically, I’m saying make your plan, but allow it to change when need be.

Sometimes it’s frustrating, looking back on my lack of direction. There are so many of stories of people finding out who they are and want they want to be early in life. I wonder how common that is for people? I certainly still don’t know what my career should be. At least now I have narrowed it done a bit. There’s more of a focus. But by no means is there any guarantee that I will succeed. At times I feel angry that I haven’t had an easier time understanding myself and what I wanted to do with my life. I had to survive childhood first and then I had a false sense of identity. Once that was fixed, then I had to re-discover myself.

I have it pretty lucky. I don’t really have to worry about money (at least for now) and I can relax when I want to. There are so many people who aren’t in my position. There are people who have to work multiple jobs, live on food stamps, and struggle every day just to make enough money to support their families. There are even people all on their own, who don’t have social support. It makes you grateful for what you have. I can be fairly materialistic, being caught up in a society that wants what it wants when it wants it. I sometimes have to remind myself that I can be patient. That’s the trouble with a lot of people today, I think. We have trouble resisting the big payout, the immediate reward, instead of waiting for a bigger reward. And we also tend to forget about the people who have it worse than we do. At times, we are too self-centered, focused on our own needs and wants. It’s important to have our individuality, but I think we have a responsibility to others as well. If we want to live in a society, then we have to think about more than just numero uno.

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