I was playing The Sims 3 the other day and my sim is a novelist. His first book was a non-fiction book, just so I could get him started writing, and I named it: “Psychology: The Mind is Crazy.” I thought it was a funny name. It got me thinking about the human mind and how people think about themselves. Confidence is probably one of the most important qualities to have. So often people think that it’s something you either have or don’t but the truth is that confidence is learned behavior. You are not born with confidence, you learn to be confident as you grow up. Babies learn this depending on how responsive parents are when a baby needs something.
I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil that was about a husband and wife. The husband was cheating on his wife even before they were married. Dr. Phil had made the point that he was a cheater before, cheated on her during their dating relationship, and after they were married. The husband confirmed this. Yet the wife had blamed herself for her husband cheating.
I myself can’t stand someone who cheats on their spouse. It’s really important to know that you don’t solve relationship issues outside the relationship. You would think this would be obvious! However, I think sometimes temptation is too strong. That being said, anyone can learn to not cheat, no matter how attractive a person is or how much attention they are giving you.
Women tend to blame themselves when their man cheats. I wonder if men also do the same? I’d guess not as much. Theoretically speaking, anyone with a low sense of self or lack of self-confidence would likely blame themselves for things that they can not control. And the truth is, there is nothing that a man or woman does that excuses their spouse to cheat. I mean that it’s never ok to cheat no matter what the relationship issue is.
Now I’m not saying that women have low self-esteem or a poor sense of self. I think it’s safe to say that a lot of Americans are like that regardless of sex. Heck I had what Karen Horney (her last name is pronounced, Horneye) talked about what she called the Real and Idealized self. The Real Self is what we truly are. It is our true identity, a clear image of ourselves. The Idealised Self is a false sense of self which a person perceives to be. Hopefully most of us have an authentic sense of who we are, because an idealised self is not healthy.
So, what exactly is my point? If someone cheats on you, it was their choice not yours. You didn’t do anything to deserve that no matter what you have done in the relationship. If someone doesn’t want to go out with you, it’s not your fault either. Or if your parents failed to be there for you it’s not because you were a bad kid. You can not control people, you can only control yourself. Stand up for yourself and demand what you deserve to have! Wow, I’m getting a bit preachy.
Anyway, the lesson is that anyone can have confidence. You just have to work at it. If you don’t have it, then it’s time to take a good long look at yourself. You may be saying some bad things about yourself. It’s about accepting your true self and loving you. If you can’t do that, you probably have a false sense of self.